seeds, success, & self-worth.

Does the caterpillar know that it’s signing up to eventually transform into a butterfly? I’m learning how to make room for the parts of myself that I didn’t expect to blossom into. I’ve had to submit to what the seed I was planted as wants to be. I had this idea of who Keimaya should be. And after journeying through a bunch of “shoulds” I found myself surrounded by a life that did not speak to me, fulfill me, or light me up. I wasn’t happy.

I’ve had to completely redefine what success means to me on a personal level. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that success for me isn't climbing a corporate ladder. On paper it sounds amazing, but for me, it’s a resume filled with self-inflicted suffering. Success to me is being able to wake up on my own terms, being able to create my own schedule, having the resources to make fresh and nourishing homemade meals for me and my loved ones, slow and intentional mornings, days filled with things I actually want to do, being on my own time, being able to fully and thoroughly take my time, fresh fruits and vegetables, writing, creating, self-expression, being in love, having healthy relationships, impacting others, creating sacred and healing spaces for black women, traveling/seeing the world, autonomy, having a deep and fruitful relationship with wellness/wellbeing, time in nature, financial stability, financial freedom, intuitive living, optimal health, true work/life balance, doing work that I feel is meaningful, fulfilling, and impactful, happy hormones, a regulated nervous system, being in sacred community, not having to worry about money, motherhood. Success to me is peace, joy, bliss, abundance, fulfillment, grace, gentleness, and a sense of deep satisfaction. It’s a love story with life. I’m learning to make peace with my actual wants and desires without criticizing myself based on what the world tells me I should want or who I should be. And I’m finally ok with letting others down or coming off as a disappointment if it means I am genuinely and wholeheartedly fulfilled. I am breaking the curse of lukewarm living, settling, and getting by. I am breaking the curse of merely existing vs. actually LIVING. I am breaking the curse of surviving vs. thriving. I am honoring my own unique path. I am honoring my seeds, and by doing so I experience a harvest that is like soul food to me. The wrong harvest will starve you.

I’m currently in an in-between space. Me and liminal spaces have become great friends. I used to take pride in being the person that seemed to have it all together. That seemed to always have a plan. Being in a season where I am intentionally surrending and putting God’s will before my own means my ego has taken a few hits. Sometimes I find myself embarrassed to say “I don’t know yet” or “I’m in the process of figuring it out.” This has made me think about how I’ve deeply intertwined my level of competency and achievement with my self-worth. Can I still deem myself as valuable in seasons of waiting? When it seems like nothing is happening? When I’m not producing anything? It’s interesting how so much of my worth has been attached to a definition, label, explanation, or box I’ve tried to squeeze myself into. Who am I when I color outside of the lines? Who am I when I don’t have it all figured out? Who am I when I’m uncertain or unsure of what’s next? Who am I when I’m not chasing a specific outcome? Who am I when my money is a little funny? Who am I when things are taking a bit longer than I’d like?

I’m realizing that life isn’t about arriving at the finish line unscathed or with the least amount of mistakes made. Every time I seemingly “lost” myself I found myself even more and in a deeper and more authentic way. Why are we so afraid to make a mess? Or to challenge the status quo? Why do we silence our discontentment and gaslight ourselves into thinking we are being ungrateful by wanting more or different? Why don’t we listen? To the calls and the urges? The ones that say, why are you putting on face as a weed when you know you’re intended to be a rose?

All along you were planting seeds. Even when you went the “wrong” way. Even when you had to start over. Even when you felt lost or misplanted. Even when you decided to pivot. Even when they thought you were crazy. Even when you took a break. Even when you “fell off.” Even when you knew better but didn’t do better. May your journey always bring you back to yourself with more clarity, authenticity, and fullness — what a beautiful garden. 🌹