unknown heavens.
A way to take our power back is to write new narratives. To withdraw our energy and direct it elsewhere. To plant new seeds. To water ourselves with new words, new thoughts, new beliefs, new environments, and newness in general.
To be extremely honest, ya girl is tired. Exhausted. There are aspects of my life that drain me and I can no longer move forward like these things aren’t weighing on me or impacting me. I have to let them go. But I’m scared. But I can’t let fear or comfort stop me from experiencing and living the life I desire and deserve. The life I’m constantly daydreaming about and visualizing for myself. Changes must be made, and discomfort isn’t forever. In black mama fashion, “My crew, let’s go” lol.
My counselor has been helping me uproot the beliefs and programs that do not serve me. I’ve been looking around my mental space like dang… there are so many in here. And most of them don’t even personally belong to me, they are projections I’ve been carrying and need to finally let go.
I don’t have it in me to work another soul-sucking or draining job. I just don't. I realize I’m terrified of doing what my spirit is calling me to do because on the surface it makes absolutely no sense. I’m afraid I’ll be broke or a “starving artist” or won’t be able to sustain and support myself. I’ve decided to start combatting my beliefs, especially this one in particular. Like ok, why would my spirit want me to be broke? Why don’t I think it just wants me to be happy and fulfilled? Why wouldn’t my spirit or God for that matter know best or have my best interest at heart? It’s safe for me to jump, and I’ll always have a safe place to land. Maybe it won’t always be easy, but at least it’ll be worth it. The new narrative I’m choosing to believe is that following my spirit will open me up to success, abundance, and a sense of fulfillment that is beyond what I can even imagine. Following my spirit is a fruitful route. I know it’s scary af, but the person I desire to be and the life I desire to experience could potentially be on the other side. Isn’t it worth finding out? I know what my current life gets me. And I’ve been gaslighting myself into thinking that I need to give it more time or that my feelings will change, but they won’t (and quite frankly, they haven’t).
A friend once posed the question to me — are you gonna choose known hells or unknown heavens? It’s interesting how we in a way become addicted to the personal hells we live in because they’re predictable. Even though we’re unhappy, they provide us with a sense of expectancy/stability and provide us with the illusion of control. Shaking shit up is scary. But how long are we gonna hold on to the hells that are hindering us, hurting us, and holding us back?
