cremation (ashes).
thinking back on the different times of my life when I’ve been depressed or even toyed with the idea of suicide, it was never about wanting to die, it was about wanting to live differently, more authentically, more expansively, fuller, richer, etc. I didn’t necessarily want to kill myself, I moreso wanted to kill off the parts of me and the parts of my life that were not serving me. I wanted to live, just not the life I was living. it was always about life losing its luster, not about me actually wanting to lose my life. I guess I didn’t know how to explain it at those times, but I now hold the awareness and ability to express it more effectively.
my life has made me extremely comfortable with the cycles of death and rebirth. I am no longer intensely phased by the comings and goings, the endings and beginnings, the hellos and the goodbyes. they have become like background noise along my journey. humming along. I have the choice and the power to make them a big deal or to acknowledge and embrace them as a necessary and natural part of life. they aren’t good or bad. they just are.
I’m in a rebirth season of my life, but in order for this rebirth to be fully actualized sacrifices have to be made and parts of me have to shed. the shedding process used to tear me up (mostly because I used to resist it like crazy) but now I’ve found the beauty in letting go. this rebirth feels refreshing. like being able to breathe clearly and deeply after having your nose stopped up for a while.
I’ve gone through some pretty monumental/game-changing deaths and rebirths and I would definitely consider this one of them. a version of me that was so deeply embedded within (that I didn’t even realize was still present or holding me back for that matter) is finally on her last leg. and I may have to let her go over and over and over again, but at least now I’ve pulled the weeds and have started planting something else in their place. I’m making the conscious effort to bury my trauma self so that my true self can thrive — fully, authentically, unapologetically, and without any inhibitions. I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed by this “trauma self.” I am thankful for her existence and her endurance because without her I don’t know if I would even be here. I’m not always proud of her or her choices, but I can honor and respect the fact that she did what she felt was necessary for me to feel safe and to survive. she wanted the best for me, even if she went about it in the worst way. she served her purpose, but now it’s time for me to write new narratives and experience what thriving is like. because I deserve it. I’ve mastered survival mode, shrinking myself, playing small, sadness, depression, a lack of meaning, discontent, and frustration. I deserve to know and experience what wholeness, alignment, taking up space, pleasure, bliss, purpose, satisfaction, confidence, peace, prosperity, fulfillment, ease, healthy love, and abundance is like. I deserve it.
the last few days have been eerily peaceful. like the calm after a heavy storm. after months of intense shedding, purging, and releasing I feel the scale being rebalanced. I’m recalibrating. the upheaval (and all the tears lol) all make sense now. I’m excited to usher in this new era and this new version of me. maybe she isn’t even new but has always been present underneath the dead weight. maybe I just had to get out of her way.
when it felt like everything was up in flames, just like a glass artist using heat to manipulate their glass, I was being molded into a fiery masterpiece. let this serve as a reminder that a phoenix always rises from its ashes and that cremation doesn't mean I’m erasing what I lived but that I’m just choosing to embrace a new life. I no longer have to carry the weight around with me as proof or allow pain and suffering to be my truth. may these ashes serve as fertilizer for new forms, as I bloom again and again and again. 🌹
