untitled for now.
I saw a quote on Tumblr that said, “Almost every woman I have ever met has a secret belief that she is just on the edge of madness, that there is some deep, crazy part within her, that she must be on guard constantly against losing control - of her temper, of her appetite, of her sexuality, of her feelings, of her ambition, of her secret fantasies, of her mind." and when I tell you I felt that…I felt that! I no longer want to view myself as some crazy woman who must be micro-managed, maintained, or under close watch. I just want to be…
So why not just be? What if I let myself go instead of building self-inflicted prisons of what I should do or who/how I should be? [I honestly want to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary for a while. Cause who made such harsh rules and confines? And why do they only apply to me?] If I’m not really okay, why do I lie and say I am? Why am I so afraid of honesty? So afraid that people won’t hold space for my truth? So afraid that people will abandon me for being me that I abandon me first? What if I stayed with myself? And advocated for what I really want and need? And for who I really am?
Why am I so afraid of making a mess? So afraid to color outside of the lines? So afraid to march to the beat of my own drum? Being me is the path of least resistance, yet it feels wrong and unacceptable. But to who?
Why not let things get messy in the name of being authentic? Even if it doesn’t make sense on the surface or isn’t perfectly put together, at least I honored myself, right? Isn’t that worth something? And when I say honored myself, it’s not the self that is maintaining an image of how I think I should be, but just…me. The person I don’t have to try hard to be. The person I just am inherently and easefully. What if I just accepted myself?
I keep trying to force myself to be a woman that I’m not (and then wondering why I’m so conflicted and unhappy). Why don’t I trust that being me can yield love, peace, abundance, success, etc.? Why do I feel as if I have to be someone else to attain what I desire? Why do I keep viewing my unconventionality/authenticity as something that needs to be tamed or changed?
