the little girl within me.

sometimes I feel like a little girl trapped in a grown-up body with grown-up responsibilities. I would much rather be playing and creating and frolicking than working. and maybe I’m a little naive about how I think the world should work. I still don’t quite understand why things have to be the way they are. why we’re taught to work jobs we hate in exchange for money. why there’s a bill for every little thing (I’m sure somewhere in the fine print we’re getting fined for every breath we take). why these systems and structures we subscribe to don’t seem fair or graceful. why dreams get seemingly harder to attain the older we get. it all felt so simple as a kid. 

the little girl within me still believes she can be anything. I vividly remember wanting to be an actress, fashion designer, and chef (young me was very in tune with her multifacetedness, cause yes, sis was gonna be all three!). as a kid, I daydreamed about moving to new york, and becoming a ✨star.✨ my daydreams felt so vivid, so real that being told to “be realistic” felt like being told to daydream even more. so I did. 

I still believe I can have, live, and experience a life that satisfies me and lights me up. the little girl within me isn’t going out without a fight, but I think she underestimated how much of a fight it would take. my adult self is tired, exhausted, over it, confused, etc, but the little girl within me tugs — we can’t give up! we’re not there yet.

and she’s right. even if I tried to make this my resting stop, I would not be satisfied. the nagging discomfort of misalignment and lukewarm living would tug on me relentlessly. I have to keep going. for her, for me, for us. 

I think a lot of dreamers can agree, it’s not the dreaming that hurts, it’s the process and the journey that does. dreaming is the easy part. it’s fun, free, and imaginative. but we usually have no idea what the process will entail in order for us to live out that dream. if it were up to us I’m sure we would do without the struggles, the difficulties, the uncertainties, etc. but I guess that’s duality; the package deal that comes with living a life that you’re proud of and pleased with.