nothing left but surrender.

I’m not sure if I’m in the best place right now (mentally & emotionally),

and maybe I’ve been trying to put on a front that I am…trying to pull myself together and function

this year has humbled me and hyped me up simultaneously,

and the contrasts have been stark (to say the least)

it’s a bit overwhelming to go from high highs to low lows

I don’t know which feelings to believe

I guess they all hold their own truth

I think I just need permission to be sad

to let it all hang out without feeling like my existence (and all its thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams) are a burden

without feeling guilty for saying, “sadness is visiting me right now”

without feeling like I have to rush it away

without feeling like I have to intellectualize it or get to the root of why it keeps coming back (despite my many attempts to keep it far away or at bay)

I want permission to let it all go to shit

then decide what I would like to stay

permission to get out of my head and into my heart...my body

to be with who I actually am vs. who I think I need to be