an update.

I look in the mirror, and I feel like I look different. Maybe I’ve always looked this way? Maybe it’s all in my head? I’m doing my best to shake off feelings of dread. Doing my best to make love to the mundane. I recognize I’m in another one of those transformative seasons. Where things are ending, and I feel myself on the brink of a beginning. I’ve started slowly but surely getting rid of clothes and things in my space that no longer resonate, that have served their purpose. It’s hard to part ways cause it feels like I’m saying goodbye to a version of myself, and I guess in a way, I am. The more I give myself permission to shed and take new form, the more I feel like myself. The self that got scattered about along my journey. I realize that all along, I knew myself. I was just afraid to listen. Afraid to be bold and unconventional. Afraid to march to the beat of my own drum. Nowadays, I listen more. I feel like I’m getting quieter. I’m feeling more reserved. More selective with my energy and time. I’m a lot more focused. I feel like I’m more inclined to take my time. I drink my tea and eat fruit to start my day. I make breakfast, I make lunch, I make dinner. I know this sounds kindergarten, but after years of struggling with food anxiety and irregular eating patterns, I’m eating! My routines/rituals are slowly becoming a part of me. I can tell when I don’t do them. I actually crave them now. Some days I still feel disconnected from myself and my reality, but I’m trying my best. I’m working on remaining in a state of gratitude. I deep clean every Sunday. I treat myself to fresh flowers every week. I’m in love with my jewelry collection, especially my rings. I love rings. I am siding with contentment in this season of my life because consumption has made me feel stuffed and worn out. Some days I’m really tired, and I’m finally learning how to rest without guilt. And then I remind myself to make sure I take my iron. For awhile, I was used to cool experiences happening for me. Having to create and cultivate them for myself seems odd at times. But if I don’t do it who will? I ask myself hard questions (a lot). Like, what is a life? What do we fill it with? What matters? What doesn’t? I guess those are things we decide. Free will still intimidates me a bit. I want to go to the beach again before the summer ends. Time is moving really fast and I try not to let it overwhelm me. There’s certain music I can’t listen to anymore. I’m starting to feel myself growing apart from certain people, and I am reminding myself that that’s natural. My life isn’t bad, but sometimes I do have to hold space for and grieve what my younger self thought 25 would look like and feel like. Deep within my crevices I am craving simplicity. I don’t want to overthink or overcomplicate, I just want to be. I’ve started writing myself little love notes on sticky notes and sticking them around my apartment. I intentionally take the long way home. My counselor is helping me write new narratives within my psyche. I’ve stopped rushing so much. I’m realizing that being patient and waiting are two different things. I feel much more present. I don’t feel inclined to seek approval anymore. I am learning how to let my emotions pass through without ruining my day. I honor my feelings without burying myself in them or allowing them to cripple me. I feel less in my head and more in my body. I dance around my apartment naked and that’s blissful. I feel comfortable in my skin. My naked body no longer feels like a threat. I stopped running from the mirror a long time ago. I smile big for the version of me that once hated my gap. I enjoy taking up space now. I want to get another tattoo - something related to kintsugi. I’ve been allowing myself to be bored. I deeply enjoy silence and stillness. I trust myself. Nine times out of ten, you can bet I have a candle lit, an incense burning, or my diffuser on spewing out lavender, rose, or sandalwood essential oils. My plants are thriving. I’m excited to release my next book. I’m no longer denying my gifts. I don’t have all the answers today, and for once that’s ok.